


P.S. I love you

by kittykaty



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2019-02-22 00:57:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13155771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittykaty/pseuds/kittykaty
Summary: After Ohno had passed away Jun thought he'll never be able to find the will to live. However, his boyfriend had left something for him.





	P.S. I love you

**Author's Note:**

> This story was written for je_holidays again. Sadly, as for the other fic, i never got a comment from my recipient. I would have never written character death if that wasn't what the recipient had wished for (and because I forgot to mention it in the assignement - believe me, this will never happen to me again!).  
> It was really hard to write this, but I think it turned out well in the end. I experienced a new genre although I am pretty sure I'll never write it again.

"Jun, do you want me to bring you home?“ Sho asked.

He didn't get an answer. Jun simply stared at the sky, his face looked as if it was made of stone, completely devoid of emotion.

This expression worried Sho like no other.

After wavering a bit, Sho decided to simply bring Jun home. He couldn't leave Jun on his own although it was probably what the younger one wanted.

Sho pushed Jun gently into his car and guided him gently onto the passengers seat. He quickly wrote Nino and Aiba a mail telling them he was leaving with Jun. Both were still busy saying goodbye to the guests as they had decided to not burden Jun with that task.

Jun sat silently next to Sho while he drove them to Jun's and Ohno's apartment...wrong. It wasn't Jun's and Ohno's apartment anymore. It was only Jun's apartment now on since Ohno had died.

Sho scolded himself. He should really stop thinking about Ohno as someone who would pop up out of the blue. He will not see him again. Never, ever again.

Sho felt the tears dwelling up again, but he fought hard to push them back. He could not cry now, not in front of Jun. He had to show Jun that life goes on without Ohno. He had to be the strong one guiding Jun through his pain. He could not weaken. Not now! Later, in Nino's arms he could, but not with Jun next to him.

Sho glanced at Jun whose face was still that waxen, emotionless mask, but knowing his friend for many years, Sho was very aware that Jun was broken. Broken into tiny little pieces that could never be put back together. It would take months if not years to heal his broken heart and Sho had no idea were to start. Therefore, they drove in silence, each of them absorbed in their own dreary thoughts rushing through their brains in endless circles.

They reached the apartment block and Sho parked the car. He opened the passenger's door and waited. Jun didn't move. Sho waited for another minute, not sure what to do if Jun refused to stay in his car. Suddenly it hit him.

“Do you want to come to our apartment?” he asked. It must be painful for Jun to live in that empty flat that he had shared with Ohno for over five years now. Every single item must be linked to Ohno in some way.

However, instead of giving an answer, Jun finally got out of the car and walked towards the door. His walk determinedly but Sho could see his hands trembling. Again, Sho was at a loss if he should say something encouraging or stay silent. He was bad at such things and Jun knew. But probably Jun was thankful to have Sho with him as he stayed silent, giving him all the time he needed to move forward, through the door, into the hallway to their apartment door. With trembling fingers, Jun reached for the key and opened the door. Sho could see Jun taking a really deep breath before he entered the flat. Closing the door behind him carefully, Sho went inside as well, turning on the light as Jun simply stood in the corridor.

As soon as the light went on, Jun fell onto his knees and screamed. It was such a painful scream that Sho froze for a few seconds before he quickly took Jun into his arms. It was as if all bounds that had held Jun back from going insane broke. He screamed and screamed, nothing coherent, just the pain he was feeling inside until his voice was hoarse and only the tears were running down his cheeks. He held onto Sho as if he was the only thing that could keep him from insanity and Sho did nothing more than holding Jun tight, hoping that he would not lose his friend.

Sho was scared. Very scared. He had never seen Jun in a state like this. Jun was always composed, had his feelings under control and never let go of himself. He was a man that Sho, who sometimes was very short-tempered, adored for being that way. When Ohno had told him that he was suffering from an incurable illness, Jun had acted strong to support Ohno in any way he could. When Ohno was brought to the hospital and everybody knew that he would never return home, he had packed Ohno's bag with a very no nonsense attitude, but did not shed one single tear. When Ohno died in his arms, Jun had assured him with a steady voice that he'd love him forever. Even today at the funeral Jun had not allowed his emotions to run free. He had done his job as a perfect host, talked to people, accepted the sympathy of the guests and had given a speech about the wonderful person Ohno had been. He had stayed emotionless, but composed and only Aiba, Nino and Sho knew how much he was suffering. They also had known that such a breakdown would happen, but Sho had hoped to have Nino and Aiba at his side. He was clearly at a loss of what to do and when Jun gave another strangled cry, Sho had to gulp down his own sobs.

He had no idea how long they stayed like that. At some point Jun simply went limp in his arms and only whimpered softly. His tears had stopped. Sho's shirt was wet from all the tears but he couldn't care less. He was glad Jun had finally managed to calm down a bit.

Sho carefully lifted Jun from the floor. He was heavy, but Sho managed to bring him to the bedroom where he laid him down. Jun stared into the air, his face had lost all of its colour and his eyes were red and puffy. He started to tremble again and Sho reached for the duvet to cover him. Still, the trembling didn't stop.

“I'll be back in a minute.” Sho promised but Jun showed no reaction. He left the room and reached for his mobile phone. He couldn't endure this any longer all by himself, so he dialed his boyfriend's number.

“Hai?” Nino answered his phone.

“Are you done there?” Sho asked, nearly whispering. He didn't want Jun to hear how miserable and terrified he was about the whole situation.

“Yes, the last guests just left.” Nino answered, already sensing what Sho wanted.

“Can you come to Jun's apartment? He just broke down. I've never seen him this way and I don't know what to do, I just held him but...”

“Sho-chan, you're doing great!” Nino interrupted him. “I'm sure Jun really appreciates you being there for him.”  
“But I don't know what to do?!” Sho replied.

“I'll be there as soon as possible. I'll bring Aiba with me.” Nino promised and Sho sighed in relief. He cut the call, hoping that his boyfriend would hurry. Nino's and Aiba's presence might calm Jun down a bit. Afterall, they were Ohno's brothers and were suffering through the same pain as Jun was.

Of course, Sho was just as devastated by Ohno's death. He never had met another person as kind and caring as Ohno. He truly regretted that Ohno had been forced to leave them that early. However, he was not related to Ohno by blood nor had he been his partner in a relationship. Ohno had been a very honorable friend to him. Still, he doubted that the pain he felt was close to the one Jun, Aiba and Nino were suffering.

Sho had no idea how the three could endure the pain. He felt that if his own agony was any bigger, he'd break and would never be able to live his life again. Suddenly determined to support the other three in any way possible, Sho went back to the bedroom.  
Jun hadn't moved a single centimeter. He was still trembling and tears were running down his cheeks again. However, this time he looked at Sho.

“Thank you!”

It was the first time he spoke since they had left the funeral. Moved by his feelings, Sho bent down to Jun and embraced him. Then, he couldn't stop his tears anymore.

“I'm so sorry!” Sho cried, not sure for what he was apologizing or to whom, but he felt Jun tightening his arms around his back.

When Aiba and Nino arrived they found Sho and Jun in the bedroom, arm in arm, sleeping silently on the bed. Their faces were white and their eyes were swollen, but they finally seemed to find some peace.

However, neither Aiba nor Nino felt tired. They had been up the whole day, greeting guests, accepting sympathy and listening to the nice things everyone had to say about their brother. They had been so busy that they hadn't have time to think about their own feelings. But now that they were alone, only the two of them awake, they finally realized their thoughts and the pain that captured their heart.

Aiba reached out for Nino's hand and his brother grabbed it tightly. They didn't need to say anything. They knew how the other was feeling. They were twins after all. In Aiba's eyes the tears were already glistening again but Nino could feel that his twin brother was trying hard to keep them under control.

“Aiba-chan, it's alright. You can cry!” he said and moved closer to his brother to take him into his arms.

“I promised Oh-chan I would stop crying after his funeral.” Aiba said determinedly and took a deep breath. Nino tightened his embrace and kissed Aiba's cheek. Ohno had indeed forced his two brothers to make the promise. But there was another promise they had given their older brother.

“Shall we give it to him today?” Nino asked to make Aiba think about something else than their dead older brother.

“Hmm...it might help him to hold onto something...to stay sane.” Aiba answered and Nino nodded. He took a blue envelope out of his bag and put it on Jun's table.

“Let's wait until he wakes up”, Nino yawned and laid back to cuddle into Aiba's side. Since his boyfriend was sleeping in Jun's bed now he had to be satisfied with his twin brother and right now, Aiba was the person he wanted to be with the most.

It was early evening when Jun woke up next to Sho. Their hands were still linked and Jun felt as if Sho's hand was his anchor to the real world.

However, Jun didn't feel like getting up at all. He wanted to stay in bed and die from dehydration or hunger. He didn't need to go on, now that Ohno was gone. There was no sense in getting up and living in a world where no Satoshi was waiting for him. There was no reason to stay strong anymore, no one to care for, no one to love, no one who needed him, no one...

Suddenly, he heard whispers coming from his living room. Jun sighed. He wanted to be alone, but with friends like Sho, Nino and especially Aiba there was no way he could be all by himself. He knew they just wanted his best, but it was hard to die when there were people around...

Sho tossed in his sleep next to him. His eyes were still somewhat puffy and reminded Jun that Sho had been crying with him a few hours ago. They had shared their grief and Jun had felt so good to not having to bear the pain all alone. Maybe, having his friends over wasn't such a bad idea afterall...

Carefully, Jun loosened Sho's grip and slipped out of the bed. As he had expected, Aiba and Nino were cuddled onto his sofa, talking silently. Their heads shot up when Jun appeared in their field of vision.

“Hey!” Nino greeted him, his voice gentle and careful.

“Hey!” Jun simply replied, realizing that there was no point in refusing to speak. He saw the pain in the twin brother's faces and knew they understood what he was going through, but still, those two looked so strong and composed that Jun wondered how they were doing it. Could they get over their brother's death that easily? Did they already start to forget the amazing person Ohno had been? Shouldn't they cry over their loss? How could they even manage a smile after they had just seen their brother's ashes?

Jun gnashed his teeth and felt that his fingers were curled up into fists. His knuckles went white. When he was just about to yell, Aiba started to speak.

“We promised him.”

Jun looked confused.

“We promised him not to cry anymore after his funeral.” Aiba said and Jun could hear in his voice that he was fighting the tears.

It sounded so much like Ohno that Jun felt his eyes getting teary again. He was glad Ohno had not forced him to make the same promise. He wouldn't have managed to keep it. However, Nino and Aiba seemed to be determined not to disappoint their big brother and all the anger Jun had felt before vanished into thin air. He was only left with this horrible feeling of emptiness again, the feeling of being alone, not having Ohno by his side anymore. His body began to tremble and he could feel the tears on his skin again. Jun was sick of crying, sick of feeling hopeless, sick of existing without Ohno.

Suddenly, Jun felt a hand on his arm. He blinked through his tears and saw Nino's as well as Aiba's gentle smile. The brothers did not look alike. Especially not Aiba and Nino although they were twins, but when they smiled, it was the same warm, gentle and caring smile.

However, instead of making him feel better, Jun's heart just cramped even more as it wasn't Ohno who was smiling at him.  
“Sato-chan left something for you.” Aiba said and Nino pushed a blue envelope in his field of vision. With trembling fingers Jun took the paper and looked at it for a minute. He wanted to know what Ohno had written down for him, but at the same time he was scared. He was sure Ohno was going to scold him for crying the whole time because if Ohno was still alive he would have done it.

Though, if Ohno was still alive Jun wouldn't cry...

Jun massaged his temples. He was obviously not in a state to think. He should stop and go back to bed and...  
“Read it!” Nino urged him on.

“It was really important to Sato-nii-chan that we hand the letter over to you.” Aiba added and when Jun looked at the two, they were nodding encouragingly.

Jun heard Sho's snoring from the bedroom. Somehow, it seemed to him as if even Sho had urged him to read Ohno's letter although the older man was probably just dreaming.

After another deep sigh Jun opened the envelope and pulled the letter out of it. Seeing Ohno's neat handwriting his heart cramped again, but Jun forced himself to read the words his boyfriend had written down.

My beloved Jun,

I know you don't want to hear me saying it, but I will say it anyway.

Please, don't cry! You know I cannot stand your crying face! It makes me sad to the extent that I will start crying too!

Jun feverishly wiped his tears away. It had happened once. Jun had been so frustrated about work that he had simply started to cry when he returned home. Ohno had held him tight, but when he looked up to the older man, he had seen tears on Ohno's cheeks as well.

I know you, Jun, and I know what you are thinking right now. You feel empty and useless. You don't want to go on since you think there is nobody who needs you. But honey, there are. I need you to take care of my two little brothers. I know Sho is trying his best to look after Nino but you know Sho. Sometimes he's only a little child too, so I am a bit worried. Will you do that for me? Take care of my little baby brothers?

Jun looked up to Aiba and Nino who were watching him. Ohno was indeed right. Both were over 25, but they still needed someone to look after them. Ohno had always taken care to make sure that the two led a carefree life. They probably didn't even know what their older brother had done. Quickly, Jun decided that he would do everything to protect those two. He was only one year older than them, but he knew that he was much more mature. And as much as he loved Sho as a friend, Ohno was right. Sho looked way more capable of doing things than he actually was...

However, who I am most concerned about is you. I know you. You will be devastated, broken and think you will never be happy again. However, darling, that's not true. Life goes on and on, even without me by your side. I don't want you to think about me every day and to endure the pain of me not being there with you. I want you to be happy, to think back at our days and smile about the things we did together. I don't want you to forget about me, but I want the memories you have about me to be happy, to make you smile, not cry.

Jun had lost the fight against the tears again. They were rolling over his cheeks, dripping down into his lap. How could Ohno request something like this? It was impossible! He will never be able to look back at their time together, without feeling the extreme cold capturing his heart, making it numb. Ohno's death had torn a huge hole into his life and there was no way he'd ever be able to patch it up. Ohno was not fair asking him to smile, not fair to leave him like this, not fair to disappear from this world.  
Jun wiped the tears away before he went on reading.

You will think that it's impossible to smile and to live happily, but it isn't. Knowing that you would never listen to anybody else than me, I wrote down what I want you to do after I passed away.

smile

move out of our apartment and keep only 3 things that remind you of me

go out, I'm sure Nino, Aiba and Sho are very willing to accompany you

go on a trip – you've always wanted to go to Paris

be open for a new relationship

I know that you would start to argue with me now if I was there. However, I want you to simply follow these steps. Especially the last one is very important to me. You're still young, Jun-chan, and I don't want you to spend the rest of your life alone. I know you had planned to spend your whole life with me, but it is impossible. Please allow yourself to fall in love again. You're someone who needs another person by his side although you might not want to admit it, but I know you do. It doesn't have to be right now and not in the next year, but when you're ready your heart should be open for someone new you can love.

Jun shook his head. It was impossible. He would never be able to love someone else than Ohno. NEVER! He might be able to accomplish all the things Ohno had listed, but falling in love again, this was not going to happen. Ohno had been the perfect person to Jun. There was no one in the whole wide world as perfect as Ohno. No one who could ever take his place in Jun's heart.

I am sure one day you will manage to accomplish all the things I have written down for you. There is another letter waiting for you. Aiba and Nino will hand it over to you after you completed the list.  
My beloved Jun, I am sorry to leave you, but I cannot change it. I want you to be strong, to survive and to live your life to the fullest. Please don't throw it away because you have been given the honour to live. Live your life for me. Live it without regrets. LIVE!

Satoshi

Jun laid the letter down. He had hoped to receive some sympathy from Ohno in this letter. However, his boyfriend had urged him on to life. To go on with his life even though he was left behind.

It was so much like Ohno that Jun wanted to scream. Ohno had always thought about other's first and the only thing on his mind before he died had been Jun and how he could continue his life. There were no lines about how scared Ohno was to die or how much he pitied himself that it was him who fell ill. He had never said a word about it either. He had endured his worries and fears all by himself and had only cared about Jun.

Somehow, realizing this situation, a spark of the will to live was lit inside of Jun. He suddenly felt the urge to accomplish all the things Ohno had written down for him simply to make him proud. He would fight hard to fulfill Ohno's last wish to him although it would cause him a tremendous amount of pain. But he was determined to succeed.

2014.03.21

It was four weeks after Ohno's funeral and Jun was on his way to Ohno's grave. It was the first time he was visiting it. However, he had a reason to do so and he was looking forward to tell Ohno.

Jun reached the family grave of the Ohno's and saw that there were fresh flowers. Nino and Aiba had been yesterday, but there were many more flowers. It seemed that a lot of people were still thinking about Ohno.

Jun splashed the water on the stone and closed his eyes, his hands slapped together in front of his face.

Satoshi~  
How are you? I feel so lonely without you. I miss you so much.

Still, I am working hard to complete your list. It's not easy. Four weeks have passed since your funeral and I have only managed to do the first thing on your list. I fear that I will never be able to finish it. It is so hard to work on the list. I cannot simply work on all these points one after another... Aiba and Nino are telling me to take things slowly. I know they are right, but it's frustrating. I am still picking the pieces of my heart up, trying to put them together, but this isn't as easy as I thought.

Still, yesterday I managed to smile. I wasn't aware of it first, but I watched a puppy running after the ball a little boy just kicked away and they were so happy to play the game. Their laughter filled the air and suddenly it felt bright around me. I stopped and watched them and suddenly I became aware of a small smile that I carried on my lips.

I thought I'd never be able to smile again. I thought I forgot how to do it since you were gone. But the boy and the puppy were able to make me smile again and I felt a bit better. Still, I think I have a long way to go until I can smile easily again, but I feel that I was able to make a start. Maybe, one day, I can stand here and smile at you. Will you be proud of me then?

Satoshi, I miss you so much. I want to hear your voice. I want to hear you telling me that you are proud of me. I want you to smile at me when I have accomplished one point from your list or give me a kiss. Why did you leave me alone? It wasn't fair that I was the one who was left behind. You are so much stronger than me. I'm sure you would have managed to come back. But I feel so weak without you.

The next thing on your list was to move out of our apartment. But I cannot do it. It reminds me of you and yes, it's painful to not have you sitting on the sofa when I come back home, but I cannot let go of it. My love, is that really necessary?

Jun stopped his speech for a moment. He had actually intended to tell Ohno how he managed to go on with his life and how he was able to work on his list, but now his speech became sorrowful again. Jun silently scolded himself and took a deep breath before he closed his eyes again.

I'm sorry, Satoshi, I shouldn't feel so sorry for myself. I swear, I am determined to finish your list, but it's really, really hard for me. I will fight against those feelings of emptiness and faint-heartedness, but give me the time I need, my dear.  
I will come back again when I managed to complete another thing on your list. I love you so much, Satoshi.

With those words, Jun splashed some more water on the gravestone and left. He had no idea how long it'll take before he would come and talk to Ohno again. However, he feared that it might take a long time...

2014.11.05

It was cold and rainy when Jun arrived at the graveyard, but he didn't care. He had to tell Ohno as soon as possible because he was proud about himself and he really wanted to share his feelings with his love. He quickly splashed the water over the stone before he closed his eyes and slapped his hands together in front of his face.

Sato-chan! I'm back! I know it's been a long time since I visited but when I came back to you I wanted to be able to tell you something positive, something you would be happy about.

I did it! I finally moved out! It took me a long time to be able to leave our apartment. Everything was connected to you and although my heart turned into ice everytime I thought back about our time together in the flat, I couldn't let go of it. I feared that I might forget about our time together. However, it was Sho who talked some sense into me. He said that the memories of us together are not in the furniture or the equipment of the kitchen. They are in my brain and I can call for them whenever I want. He was so right and he helped me to find a good apartment. It's close to Nino's and Sho's flat and Aiba lives right around the corner. They said it's better if I live close, so whenever I feel lonely, I can pass by. They told me I am always welcome. Aren't they great? You'd be so proud about your baby brothers and Sho is really giving his best too. Somehow, we all manage to move on, but there is not one single day that I do not think about you. You are always on my mind and I know that the other three are thinking about you too.

They also helped with the move. You said I am only allowed to keep three of your things and it took me over a month to figure out what I will keep. The first thing is the painting you bought on the day you got your first wage. I was so angry at you for spending so much money on that picture. However, I came to like it a lot too and it is now hanging over my bed in the new flat. The second thing I kept was your favourite T-Shirt. It always reminds me of the trip we took during summer and you bought it at this little beach hut from that friendly old woman. You didn't wear any other shirt during the whole trip. Every evening you would wash it by hand and put it on the balcony, because you were so in love with the design. The colours are washed out by now but you never stopped wearing it. I always use it to fall asleep and it calms me down.

The third and last thing I decided to keep was your fishing rod. You know I will never use it because I have no motivation to go fishing, but I think this was a very essential part of you and so I wanted to keep it. It's hanging on the wall along with a fish net that Aiba had decorated with lots of shells and fishes made of wood. It looks pretty good.

You little brother was very helpful during the whole move. Since I wasn't able to throw your things away, I only packed them into boxes and left them in the flat. Aiba told me he'll throw them away and indeed, the next day they weren't there anymore. I had the urge to get them back but I remembered Sho's words. I had our memories in my head and when I began to recall them, they were all there.

The most horrible part of the whole move was the first night I had to spend in the new flat. Everything felt so unfamiliar and I couldn't sleep. I was missing your warm body next to me more than ever. Whenever I felt uncomfortable, I snuggled into your embrace and immediately felt safe. The cool side of the bed next to me reminded me again that you would never come back and that I could never snuggle up to you again. I wanted to scream again but then I remembered Aiba who said I could call him whenever I felt lonely. And I called him. He rushed over to my new flat and he took me in his arms so that I was able to fall asleep in the end. I was so thankful. Your brother is truly great.

So, I completed another thing on your list. I would love to see your face now, because I am sure you'd smile and give me a kiss for being so brave. Would you also make your special curry for me? I feel that you would have done it. Oh, I am missing your curry so much. I still cannot believe that I will never eat it again. My Satoshi, can't you come back?

Realizing that he sounded rather stupid, Jun grinned to himself embarrassed. What was Ohno thinking hearing him talking such nonsense. He couldn't come back and Jun knew it. However, deep down he was still hoping that a miracle would happen.

Of course you can't! What a stupid question! I just wish it would be possible.

The next thing on your list is to go out. Honestly, Sato-chan, I don't feel like going out at all. We always went out together. I cannot remember a time when you stayed at home and I went out. I am sure it won't be fun without you, that's why I cannot bring myself to go. Of course, Aiba, Nino and Sho will do their best to cheer me up, but you always made weird faces when you were drunk and you became unusually talkative. Most of the time I had to carry you home because you fell asleep and I remember how much I complained about it. However, you have no idea how much I wish to be able to carry you home now. I would do it happily and would not complain with one single word. But I know it's impossible and therefore I fear, I won't be able to go out. I am missing your presence too much and leaving the flat to have fun in the evening will not be the same without you.

I promise to try my best and whenever I am ready to go out, I will do it. However, I don't know how long it will take me until I am able to. I hope you are not too disappointed with me now, so please keep watching over me, my dear Satoshi.

Jun opened his eyes again. The rain had soaked through his coat and he could feel the wetness on his skin. He must have been talking to Ohno for over half an hour now. But Jun didn't regret a single minute. Talking to Ohno like that felt a bit as if he was really there, listening to him carefully as he had always done. It gave Jun the power he needed to go on and complete the list.

2015.01.30

The snow was falling softly on the ground when Jun made his way to Ohno's gravestone. He hadn't expected to be here that quickly again.

When he reached his destination, he shoved the snow down from the cool stone and splashed the water on it. Then, as always, he clapped his hands in front of his face and closed his eyes.

My love, are you surprised to see me here again so soon? I didn't expect it, but I really managed to complete another one of your challenges. I went out yesterday. With Aiba, Nino and Sho-chan. I didn't plan to do it, but as you know, a few days ago it was Sho's birthday. We met at Nino's and Sho's flat to celebrate. Then, Sho had a request. He said since it was his birthday he should get a wish free from all of us. We all agreed. I should have been aware that I was going to be fooled, but I guess I had one or two beers too many. Well, Sho said he wants to go out with us on Friday evening just like we used to do. I wanted to protest but then I remembered that I already had agreed to fulfill Sho's wish. I became quite angry at them for fooling me like this. I didn't want to go out, not without you.

Still, my love, you know I am someone who keeps his word, so I waited yesterday evening until they came to pick me up.

It was not the same without you. I knew it. I was missing you like crazy. You would always make a toast to all of us, but this time it was Nino who did it. He tried very hard to do it as good as you did, but still, it was not the same. As usual, Aiba started to cry when he was drunk and Nino and Sho became a bit horny. While Aiba was clinging to me, sobbing silently how happy he was to call us his friends and brother, I wished you would have been by my side. I know you would laugh about your baby brothers and the effect alcohol had on them. Still, since you'd also be a bit tipsy, you'd snuggle a bit closer to me and demand to be kissed. Nobody asked me to kiss him this time and I felt terribly lonely again although I had my friends around me.

However, before I could pity myself too much, Nino suggested that we leave. He probably wanted to get into bed with Sho as quickly as possible, but I agreed happily. However, Aiba wasn't in any condition to walk home by himself and Nino and Sho were too busy with themselves to take care of him, so I ended up carrying him home. Honestly, Satoshi, you are much more lighter than Aiba and I truly wished that it would be you who I was carrying on my back.

Anyway, I made it back to Aiba's flat and when I managed to bring him to bed, he became all teary again, asking me to stay. Not wanting him to get upset, I agreed and stayed. Don't get me wrong, my dear, but it was nice to feel a warm body next to me again. Still, it was not you and therefore it was painful at the same time.

I already managed to complete three of your tasks. But it's nearly a year since you passed away and I don't have the feeling that I am moving forward in any way. I still miss you too much to not cry at least once a day and my heart is still not able to feel any warmth.

The next thing you want me to do is making a trip to Paris. Sato-chan, this is the city of love. I wanted to go there with you because you are the love of my life. It feels wrong to go there with someone else. Then I'd rather do never visit this city, but you want me to go. I wonder if you know how hard it will be for me to go there without you?!

Maybe, I will never be able to complete this task, Oh-chan. Would you be very angry at me? Please, do not get angry. I will try my best to finish this challenge but I cannot promise that I will manage.

I miss you, Satoshi. I still miss you as if you'd left me the day before. I cannot forget you and I don't want to. I will always keep you in my heart.

For now, I have to leave. Please take care wherever you are and do not forget me either.

Jun opened his eyes. He hadn't realized how much time had passed, but the snow had already started to pile up on his shoulders. His fingers and toes were numb due to the cold. He carefully touched the stone one last time before he turned around, wondering when he'd come back again...

2015.09.07

It was a wonderful morning at the beginning of fall. The last warm rays of the sun were shining through the already coloured leaves when Jun entered the graveyard and made his way to Ohno. The gravestone was shining in the sun and as usual seasonal flowers were standing in front of it. Jun carefully let the water run over the cool surface of the gravestone and closed his eyes then, the hands in front of his face.

My beloved Satoshi. I am here again to tell you that I went to Paris. It was a nice trip, but it would have been better to have you with us. That's right. I didn't go alone. It wasn't even my idea at all, but it was my birthday present. Aiba, Nino and Sho had booked a trip to Paris for my birthday and I couldn't refuse anymore as everything was already paid.

You would have loved the city. You could feel the love, but foremost the artistic flow that captures the town. We saw small galleries and of course we went to see the “Mona Lisa”. I'm sure you would have loved the museum. Also, the food was delicious. I could imagine you eating everything they offered and I wished to hear your “umai” once more.

The view at the town from the Eiffel Tower was amazing and I would love to show it to you. It's something nobody should miss. Can you see it too from where you are now?

I shared a room with Aiba this time. It was nice to wake up next to someone, but I'd have loved it to be you. Also, your brother snores. You never did and I was so glad because it's a sound that annoys me to no extend. However, you always sighed in your sleep and it was the cutest sound I've ever heard. I want to hear it again, but I know it's impossible.

It would have been great if we could have managed to make the trip before you fell ill. Now, I only hope that you can see the town from where you are now. Maybe one day we'll meet again and we can talk about it?

With that, I only have one point left to do from your list. However, I know why you put it at the end. It's impossible. I am sure there is no person in the world as perfect as you. When I started a relationship with you, I decided that I would never love anyone else. Only you. It was easy to make that decision because you were all I ever wanted. So how can I be open for a new love? It's impossible. My heart is only beating for you even if you are not here. Satoshi, I will never find out what you wrote in the other letter to me because there is no way I will complete that challenge. Still, I'd rather not read your letter than to make space in my heart for someone else...

Oh-chan, you were my one and only love of my life and it will stay like that.

Determined, Jun opened his eyes again. It was the truth he had told Ohno just now and actually, his boyfriend knew about his strong feelings for him. Jun had told him more than once so he could not understand how Ohno could ask him to open his heart for someone else. He didn't want to and he didn't intend to.

That's why, my love, I have decided to visit you every two weeks from now on. Since I cannot complete your last challenge it would mean that I'd never come back. However, I want to talk to you. Even if you do not respond it makes me calm because I know you are always listening. You will understand my feelings and accept my words without any prejudice. You have always been like that and I loved this side of you so much.

Please do not get angry at me for not being able to complete your list. But the last thing you asked me to do is simply not possible for me. Please accept that, my dear.

We will see each other soon and I cannot wait to talk to you again. I love you, Satoshi.

With those words, Jun opened his eyes again and looked at the sky. He apologized silently again before he turned around and left the graveyard, his heart light at the prospect of coming back soon.

2017.12.24

Jun made his way to Ohno's gravestone. His shoes left traces in the freshly fallen snow. It was Christmas evening and he was on his way to Aiba's house to celebrate Nino's and Aiba's birthday. He was holding another blue envelope tightly in his hands. He had gotten it from Sho the other day when they were having a long talk about Jun's feelings.

Jun shoved the snow away from the stone and poured some water over it. Then, he closed his eyes, his hands clapped together in front of his face, the blue envelope between them.

My love! I know I have only been here two days ago. However, yesterday I had a long talk with Sho-chan and he said that he thinks it's time to hand this letter over to me.

You know what this means, do you? It seems that I am able to fall in love again. I know you wished for me to do this, but I still think it is wrong, but Sho-chan told me again that my way of thinking was wrong. He said that he knows that you will always stay in my heart and own the biggest part of it. However, it is okay to let someone else in. I am not forced to love this new person as much as I love you, but if I only love him back with a part of my heart that would be enough. Do you think like that too, Satoshi? Is it okay to only love someone with just a part of your heart? However, this is the only way I can love someone because you will never leave my heart.

I cannot say that I am in love right now. However, I like to be with this person a lot. His appearance helps me when I am walking in the dark because he always pulls me out of it. His voice wakes me up from my depressing thoughts and when I see his smile I cannot help but smile back. Sho said I am at the beginning of falling in love with him, but he also said it's alright to take my time. He will wait until I am ready for this. Although I never thought that day will come, I am a bit more optimistic about it after our conversation.

Do you think all this counts so I fulfilled your last task? Am I allowed to open the envelope now?

Jun opened his eyes and looked at the gravestone. He wasn't sure what he was waiting for. He knew that the stone was not going to glow just because he asked something. Still, he wondered if there would be a sign.

Suddenly, a snowflake fell onto his lips. Jun raised his head. There were no other snowflakes to be seen. It had only been this one that had landed on his lips.

Smiling, Jun licked the little waterdrop away.

“Thank you, Satoshi!” he whispered, before he opened the envelope with trembling fingers.

Tears were filling his eyes when he read Ohno's last words:

P.S.: I LOVE YOU! <3


End file.
